So, you want to download and print the 2023 Darwin Soup wall-calendar yourself! Well, okay then. Here are the instructions:


1. Download this 91 MB PDF file, save it somewhere, then open it to marvel at its wonders. Note the public and regional holidays shown in this PDF are for New Zealand.

2. (Optional) If you are not already in New Zealand, consider emigrating to New Zealand, so that you can enjoy full use of the calendar.

3. Find someone's printer, and print the PDF. Double-sided, as normal. A good workplace printer is ideal for this, by which I mean externalising unnecessary costs. Keep the pages in the same order they come out. Note the template is US letter so if printing in A4, select to have the document centered, or you'll end up with a slightly larger margin on the left. For printing, you could use colour, because the cover and back page are both colour. However all internal images are in fact grayscale, so if you print in colour and see any non-grayscale colours they're from your printer's toner. For extra fancification, you could use a thicker semi-gloss paper. At this point you really have waaay too much choice about your printing options. Try not to let them go to your head.

4. Observe that if you have kept the pages in the correct order, you'll have the makings of a fully functioning 2023 wall-calendar, with (if you fold it up) the front cover leading to the image for January, and so on to the back cover. At this point you should find somebody's stapler, and deftly run a series of say 6 to 8 staples neatly along the top.

5. Alternatively if you have the technology, and the know-how, you could spiral bind the thing. If you have access to the tech but do not have the know-how you may still be able to beg, cajole, or blackmail someone who does have the know-how to assist you with this step. On the other hand, staples. Everyone can do staples.

6. Let's assume you did staples. Fold each page back to create a good crease across the top. When you've finished that, close the calendar again.

7. Find someone's hole-punch. Maybe your own. Maybe the person you blackmailed in Step 5. You need to punch a hole midway across the base. This will take some judgement to get right. And you'll be needing to hold the hole punch on an angle, so as to only make one hole. Trust yourself at this point; you can do it. No pressure. If you get it wrong your whole year will be at an angle, and you'll probably develop a permanent debilitating neck-crick. But no pressure.

8. Steal or purchase a drawing pin. If you don't have one, a good place to look is at what's being used to hold up one of the corners of someone else's poster or health and safety sign. Open the calendar to January 2023 and, with the aid of the freshly liberated drawing pin, affix the calendar to someone's wall. Maybe your own wall, in this case.

9. Get yourself a hot beverage and sit back to bask in the afterglow of obtaining a largely free and adequately aligned 2023 Darwin Soup wall-calendar. This could be the peak of your career.

10. Think about whether you can get away with printing a whole set of these to give to friends and family as your Christmas gifts this year. It might work, especially if you get some say red or blue coloured tape from your workplace's office supply cabinet and ran it across the top to hide the staples. Yes, it might work...