Techno Santa

KEY: JUMP TO........................a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q

KEY: JUMP TO........................a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q



a. Satellite receiver for Global Positioning System

b. Infrared night-vision glasses.

c. Ceramic nose-cone and ceramic tiles, required to withstand the incredible temperatures associated with the immense speeds Santa must travel at nowadays in order to deliver presents to the ever-expanding population of children on earth.

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j. Asbestos-fibre beard and hair, to withstand high temperatures (as noted above) and yet also maintain that ring of Santa-authenticity. (All fabrics also soaked in fire-retardant phosphine compounds).

d. Filtration unit and rebreathing apparatus, required due to Occupational Safety and Health considerations associated with the chronic inhalation of asbestos fibres.

e. Recoilless Rifle (Bazooka). Santa hasn't got time any more to mess around trying to find your chimney, if that is you have one. He hasn't even got time to stand around while you answer your doorbell. This year, he intends to make a clean surgical hole through your living-room wall.

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f. Depleted Uranium shells ensure that the hole gets made, even if your living-room wall happens to be surrounded by 3-inch thick steel armour.

g. Heads-up display.

h. and i. Hand-held Laser Target Designation-Gun and Laser-Guided Smart Presents. Once the hole is made, Santa will aim the laser into your living room, and deliver Smart Presents with pin-point accuracy by the 'Fire-and-Forget' method. (This Christmas morning, you should awake to find a smoking hole in your wall, a charred Christmas tree and a few Smart presents dotted about, each in their own little crater.)

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k. (we did j. before...) Boot-mounted precision Gyroscope for backup navigation by dead-reckoning should the Global Positioning System fail.

l. Boot-mounted Magnetic Anomaly Detector for no apparent reason.

m. Belt-mounted Sextant, for navigation by starlight during 80% of the time when all the high-tech navigation gear is on the fritz.

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n. High-Speed-Anti-Radiation-Missile (HARM) to deal with national defence networks or any further encounters with the notorious Santa-hating scientist known only as 'Biggins.' There's more about Biggins on the Santa page.

o. MacDonnell-Douglas S-33 Relaxed-Stability Sleigh with the very latest in Fly-by-Wire avionics and externally mounted Quadraphonic-Surround Sound Audio system set permanently to 'Jingle-Bells' and featuring four 30 million watt speakers, audible from the moon, should that become an issue.

p. Compact shoulder-mounted Supercomputer to filter Population Data, the latest Census Statistics, Consumer Research Polls, and Council Building Permits to determine who is living where. Links through to ground-based spy network to ascertain which children are being good, and which children are being bad, and just how good or bad these children are being.

q. (Not shown). The XJ-970. A new type of Reindeer-based propulsion system designed specifically for the modern Santa featuring superconductor-based Gravity-Repulsion-Units and a unique Fly-by-Reins control system. Details of this highly-innovative system remain shrouded in secrecy even to this day.

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